So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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