...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Say something about gay babies.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
