i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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