We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
