Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
