Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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