He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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