ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
