My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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