So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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