the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
