My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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