you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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