Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
