I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
