i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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