a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
