im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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