he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
