how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
