Whod you bang
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
