I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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