She is in my trunk
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
