The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
