i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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