I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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