I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
