there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
