shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
