He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
