we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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