It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
