The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
