Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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