i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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