Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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