my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
