hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
