dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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