your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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