I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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