the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
