I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
