So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
