I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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