if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
