It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
