I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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