he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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