so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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