ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
