I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
