this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
