note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
