Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
