Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
