i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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