Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
