BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
